It’s 7am and I just finished watching “Nobody Wants This.” –If you haven’t watched it yet, there is a spoiler alert in this post–

First of all, I have watched more TV in the last two years than possibly ever in my entire life. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

As a kid, I didn’t even have a TV in my house (well, at my mom’s house) for years. We finally got a small, black and white TV, but I don’t remember watching it very much. Then, when my parents got back together when I was in middle school, I remember Friday night family sitcoms.

I guess I watched a few movies, but there was no binge-watching back in my day. Now? Now you can shut out the entire world when you can’t sleep and lose yourself in a script. I have certainly found myself doing that, and not even on purpose.

For whatever reason, I couldn’t sleep last night. I turned on the TV, and since I had heard people talking about this show, I decided to watch it. I honestly figured I’d get bored and just fall asleep. I was very wrong.

I ended up watching the entire thing. I did sleep a little, but I just wasn’t sleepy and very well should have been. My brain wouldn’t shut off…again.

What was funny is that while watching, I saw a lot of myself in Kristen’s character, while simultaneously realizing that yet again, none of the good stuff in that show is real life.

Real life is chaotic, messy, sad, and the guy just isn’t that patient for us to figure ourselves out (I realize this does not apply to all, just my experience).

The guy does not run through the parking lot because he missed the shuttle, but he understood that you walked away to not complicate his life or hold him back and that you actually didn’t want to let him go.

Can I just say how happy I am that us hopeless romantics at least get those moments in books and TV? Maybe a million other girls get that in real life, but for the ones who don’t, thank you to all the scriptwriters who write stories that allow for hope.

Now, I also have the brain that will not shut off, so as I was watching, I kept thinking of all the people I have met in my lifetime, and all of the things I have experienced. Truthfully, as sad as parts of my life have been, and especially the last few years, I’m happy to say that I’m finding it hard to be sad anymore.

I have lived. I have lived very loudly and very colorfully? I have experienced the crazy and the good. I have known love, and no matter what I have been through, love is definitely the thing that can hurt you the most. It is certainly the thing that leaves its mark.

I started thinking about the last time I walked away from someone I didn’t want to walk away from. We were in a parking lot. I remember it so vividly. I remember the moment in that last conversation when I let go. They had said something that kind of hurt my feelings (not intentionally), and then as we were saying our goodbyes, they just let me go. There was no chasing.

It’s so strange to look back and realize that we do see people for the last time, have a last conversation, or hug someone for the last time…without understanding in the moment that it would be the last time.

This is normally where I would tell you to make sure you let people know how you feel about them because you may not get another chance, and that life sweeps along, changing everything along the way to the point where you can’t go backwards.

I’m not going to do that this time, though. We all already know that. And no matter how many times I tell you, in the moment, you’ll probably still chicken out. Or worse, you won’t realize it was your last chance, until you’ve been swept too far by life.

Maybe missing someone is just our way of knowing we are capable of feeling, still capable of hurting from the what ifs. I guess it’s just simply a reminder that we are human.

I say, when that wave of missing someone washes over you, go make some coffee and give yourself a break. It’s ok to miss someone you care about. It’s ok to sit with memories–especially the good ones. And when it passes, you’ll see that you are in fact okay.

I have said it a million times, but life just isn’t a scripted movie or TV show. We don’t have the advantage as a viewer of seeing both sides of things. We have to take the information we have in the moment and just make a decision. There will never be a way to know what the right one is until we make it. Kind of unfortunate, I think.

Just so I’m ending this on a high note, Andy Grammer’s new album just came out, and there are two songs that made me happy. They came at a great time for me.

I do not enjoy being all “woe is me,” and yet I have found myself there lately. When I say I don’t enjoy it, I actually hate it. The fact that this has gone on for so long now is irritating to me. I just couldn’t quite figure out how to get out of this rut.

Then, I thought about how I have faced obstacles my entire life (just like everyone else), and yet I always bounced back. A few years ago, the obstacles got bigger and I let them really take me out. But looking back, it sure does seem like my attitude had a lot to do with how quickly I bounced back. By accepting defeat and being all depressed because “life’s not fair,” I allowed the obstacles to grow like they were snowballs rolling down the mountain–or even a full on avalanche.

That is just not me. So, I am glad I had the little reminders in Andy’s songs, “Still Smiling” and “Bigger Man.”

Then, the little hopeless romantic in me got to hear Coldplay’s new song, “All My Love.” I wish it had that signature guitar, but that’s ok. It’s the closest to Parachutes I’ve heard in a long time. I’ll take it.

Now, to start my day and figure out how to be productive.

~Alisha