With another season beginning to wind down, and the next waiting in the wings, I’m doing a lot of thinking. For me, fall has always been a time of reflection. It’s a time to see what needs to be weeded out, or added into, my life in order to make next year’s garden thrive even more than the last. I have never felt this was something I could wait to think about on New Year’s Eve; there’s too much work that goes into it all.
Looking at the year so far, what I see is that I have taken a lot of things and worked through them.
Have you ever had people say things like, “You’re so strong,” or “You’re so brave,” or “I don’t envy you [in this situation]?” I have. A lot. And I think I can now say that I am beyond grateful to realize how strong I am, but I can also now say that I wish I didn’t have to be.
While working on my book project, I came across photos I took while at Folly Beach, SC back in 2012. They reminded me that our lives are represented in nature every day.
Side note: As I sit here typing this out, I can hear the rhythm of the clock on the wall. What’s funny about that is that each week when I am sitting across from my therapist, I can hear dueling clocks. There is a clock sitting beside me on a small table, another on the wall next to her so we are both easily aware of the time.
It’s my most hated thing. Not only is it a constant reminder that our 55 minutes are flying by, but if there is ever a lull in what I’m saying, it seems to grow even louder and makes me feel like if I don’t hurry with finding my words, my time will be up.
I get that way about life a lot. Most of the time, I feel like if I don’t act, or speak, quickly enough, the moment will pass me by and just be gone. I’m trying to stop worrying about that these days. There has to be a balance between doing…and waiting when it comes to people. Maybe I just need to learn to allow space for others to show up in their own time, and if they never do, learn to be okay with that as well.
I have always heard that if people wanted to be in your life, they would find a way, and that if someone loves you, they’d never put themselves in a position to lose you. Well, I believe that goes for any kind of relationship whether it’s friends, family, or otherwise.
Last year, I guess you could say I put out an S.O.S. to almost everyone I knew that I needed help. I had reached a place where I felt too weak, too sad, too angry to find my next step.
What happened reminded me that God always puts the people we need around us. What I found was that even though everything that has been happening has felt like some insane storm headed straight to take me out…so many people stepped up–and stayed–that I went from the closest thing to despair that I have ever felt, to realizing I had my own personal jetty…or breakwater.
In a time when I felt like all the sand I’d slowly piled up to build my beach over the years was going to just get washed out to sea with the relentless waves that were crashing ashore, in stepped the boulders, banded together by the kindness of others, to soften the blow.
What that did was give me the space to take a step back and breathe.
The waves will not cease to crash. Sometimes they will have hurricane force. Sometimes they will be a little more like ripples in a swimming pool on a beautiful day.
Be grateful for the calm days. Be grateful for the boulders on the days you can feel the spray seemingly coming for you.
~Alisha
