We learn, from birth, how to do, how to be, and we learn how the world works. We learn this from so many different people and experiences. It’s all a very slow process, and one you never see until well into the journey.

Your parents are typically the first people to shape this knowledge for you, both by explaining things to you, and also by how you see them behave and speak. This is also learned from every single person you come into contact with and any media you ingest. That’s why we all learn so differently.

I have spent quite a bit of time sitting with the idea of how, once we reach a certain age, we can no longer make excuses for immature, selfish, or just plain bad behavior. We can’t blame it on our childhood, we can’t blame it on our parents. Even if all of that was awful, there comes a point where, in order to grow and become someone you don’t hate, you have to stop making excuses.

This always came to me as common sense, and I struggled with why so many times, people do not come to this same conclusion, or don’t act on it if they do. I could see how making the excuses only held them back from the beautiful life that was waiting for them. But they couldn’t see it. And you cannot see it for them.

I was recently thinking about the process of how we stop making the excuses. I think I just did it without thinking. I ripped my roots out of the ground and transplanted them elsewhere, for better or for worse. I knew it would have to be something drastic, or I would never grow.

What I have realized now is that it’s so difficult for so many because you have to UNLEARN all those years you were taught and shown. You didn’t learn them quickly, so give yourself some slack about the unlearning process.

If you have ever taken lessons or classes on anything, you were probably told at the very beginning that before they could continue with lessons, you needed to unlearn some bad habits. It could be posture, or the way you hold a violin bow, or how you strain your voice when you sing. This is why so many teachers are excited when you are brand new to something. You haven’t been taught the improper way first. They have nothing to correct, and you can just start fresh and soak in the lessons.

Unfortunately, none of us start fresh with anything at 23/24 years old. Some have a lot of bad habits to unlearn. Thankfully, some don’t. But if you find yourself in that group that does, just know that anger and making excuses will only further delay you becoming the person you want to be.

Another important thing is realizing it’s just a daily thing. Your daily decisions build up and create this whole new person. I hate to compare it to someone ending an addiction, but in a way, it kind of is. Because it is hard.

Think of it this way, the first thing is seeing the problem(s). Then, you have to decide that this is not the life you want to live; this is not the person you want to be.

You start on that day, and work every day forward trying to make different/better decisions as life happens.

You will slip.

You will fall back into old habits sometimes, and when that happens, please don’t just make an excuse for it. Also, don’t allow that to make you fold. Start fresh the next day.

Soon, you will have five days behind you that you are proud of. That is what will give you the motivation to keep going. Those days will turn into years. Eventually, you will see all of your closest relationships start to flourish, you will sleep better at night, you will wake up happier in the mornings, and you will begin to have the bandwidth to pursue the things you love without harboring the guilt or shame from the person you never wanted to be in the first place.

You have permission to change. Just because you were taught incorrectly doesn’t mean you can’t start today by deciding you want something better. But no one can do that work for you. And lots of people who know the old you will creep in and try to ruin your progress. That’s okay. Just keep your focus and soon they won’t take up quite so much of your headspace.

There are still days when my old habits try to find me. At the end of those days, it can feel really heavy. But when those happen, I try to look at all the things I did better than I would have ten years ago, and try to extend myself a little grace.

Happy unlearning,

~Alisha