By now, I think most of us have heard of Imposter Syndrome. I am not sure what requirements you must have in order to qualify for this, but whatever they are, I have them. All of them.

It’s funny how it comes in waves, though. There are some days when I actually believe that I am capable of accomplishing something. It doesn’t mean that I think I’d be great at it, but at least capable. Then, there are days…or weeks…or maybe even years…when I feel incredibly stupid for having that thought in the first place.

When these times happen, we tend to follow the “rules.”

These rules are garbage. These rules are from society, from “friends,” from family, and even ourselves. When you are in one of these spaces, one thing said by another person to you, or one thought to yourself, can throw you so far off track.

I really wish I could tell you I have the solution, but I do not. I’m sitting here with the rest of you, without enough energy to even row this boat we are all in together.

I have written here that I have this idea for an album (or five), and this idea for a novel (or 12), but every time I try to actually finish what I’ve already worked so hard for, I hit this wall of self-doubt. That wall is made of bricks, and I haven’t found a way through it yet.

With writing, it’s always the same thing floating around in my head: “What makes you so special that you’d have anything to say that someone would want to read? You didn’t get a degree, you haven’t read all the great books that came before you.” And possibly the hardest one to sit with: “Great. Everyone thinks they can write a book now.”

With music, it’s more of the same, except throw in the fact that I STILL have not fully learned how to play an instrument. I can write lyrics all day long (I didn’t say they were good, but at least I can get them down on paper), but then I feel like a fraud because I can’t make myself put them to a melody. I feel like everything has already been done, and I get stuck because I have what feels like an entire symphony in my head, but no way to get it out into the air.

Even with photography, which I have a degree in and a lifetime of experience with, I still feel like so many other people are more talented than I am. While this is the least of my dreaded, it’s still very alive and well. After every shoot, I always feel I could have done something to have made it better.

Maybe I am just too hard on myself? I have been told that. However, I also wonder if because I am so hard on myself, I keep going? Even when I am face to face with that brick wall. I guess I stand there long enough to temporarily figure out a way around it? For me, that means moments of inspiration.

Inspiration left me for many years. I have been very thankful for it’s return in spurts, and that those spurts seem to be becoming more frequent these days. But I still have to figure out a way to quiet the noise and just finish stuff.

Since I have been in the habit of sharing things kind of the anti-social media way…in the middle instead of before and afters…this is just another one for you. Because not all of us are at the before and not quite to the after yet. So, just know you are not alone in that. It’s a crappy place to sit, the middle. But it’s where you find yourself. It’s is truly where you get to know yourself.

I have written before, years ago, about what you’re supposed to do if you’ve crossed off all of your bucket list items that you’ve been collecting since elementary school. I decided then that you take a moment to realize just how amazing that is, and then you start a new list.

I started mine today. I have this one location in particular I want to visit. It’s not some exotic location, and most people would probably laugh at me for even calling it a bucket list item, but that’s what it feels like to me. And I think I just might figure out a way to do that this year.

I have a feeling that if I make this trip, I will look back on it and feel very similar to the way I always felt sitting on that lifeguard stand at Fernandina Beach, FL. I could go for that again. (The photo below is at Fernandina Beach, but unfortunately, I never got any photos of sitting on the lifeguard stand.)

So, that’s my question for you today. Have you crossed off your bucket list items? If not, pick one and go for it. Don’t focus on the whole list, just pick one thing.

If you have, start a new list. Just because the list has a name doesn’t mean it has to be anything huge. It only needs to be huge to you. Where do you want to go? What do you want to experience?

Maybe now is the best time to plan for that.

Will I ever finish all the things I wish to finish? I have no idea, but maybe taking the pressure off is the key to doing so?

~Alisha