Do you ever feel stupid for being emotional? No? Just me?

Well, I feel stupid quite often, and I’ll probably never be okay with that. I tried to lie to myself and say I would be, or that I was, but unfortunately, I am not. Somehow, I don’t allow myself to be…human.

We absolutely live in a world where we are supposed to be robots and never be sad or angry or even too happy for that matter. If anyone could let me in on the secret of just not caring, please share. As much as I have tried over the years, I’m not good at it.

Until then, I guess I’ll be over here crying over stupid things (usually happy things) and overthinking myself into another Netflix binge watching party because I have also learned I don’t do well without closure. Life does not offer up much closure, and that’s not good for my imagination.

Don’t let that dramatic tone fool you. I am somehow okay. Life is just a strange thing to feel some days.

While I couldn’t sleep last night, I opted for the TV rather than a book because I was tired, but couldn’t shut my brain off. Nothing new there.

There it was. Hart of Dixie. I figured, why not? I was already in some weird funk that had several layers, why not add a few more?

That was such a horrible idea. As much as I love that show, it always makes me nostalgic, and sometimes a bit sad. It does also make me laugh, though. So, it’s a toss up, I guess.

Watching this time around was a little different because my life is a lot different than the first time I watched it. It made me miss home again, but then took me through all the feelings I felt when I was there (which are a lot), then it made me think about everything since I moved away, and then it made me miss my old boss who passed away. The way that show ends reminds me so much of him.

The whole thing is just strange because it reminds me that where we come from is who we are. You become your surroundings–you adapt. It’s almost like you camouflage yourself to fit without realizing it. So, if you move away, you tend to stick out like a sore thumb…until you learn how to camouflage yourself to your new surroundings.

It’s a survival thing, I’m sure, but it can leave you feeling lost at times. You see, I don’t think I ever fully learned how to be here. There was too much about where I came from that I didn’t want to let go of because I loved it. But being here for so long did change me. Maybe that’s just part of growth?

I guess we don’t have as much control as we think we do about how our environment shapes us. It’s very similar to how the people we are closest to also shape us.

However, you know I can’t ever leave these stories on a sad note. So, the good news is, once you are able to see all of the pieces that make up who you are, you get to choose which pieces to keep and which ones to put back in the box to make room for the new ones.

~Alisha