I haven’t looked back to see when I wrote here last, but I know it has been a long time. Writing has always been an on and off thing for me because I never wanted to do it just to be doing it; I always wanted it to have meaning.

This time, I didn’t pause because I had nothing to write about. I stopped because I had too much to write about. There have been many photo shoots, wonderful things going on with my coffee table book, two new, giant projects that will span the next two years, some insane life changes, some new goals made, some long days and nights, some new light shed on my world, and going from “How did I get here?” to “Ok, what’s next?”

Now that I have cautiously come up for air, I’m ready to attempt to catch up. I’ll start here:

Really getting to know yourself is HARD.

You have to sift through what feels like a landfill full of other people’s opinions of you that you have unknowingly collected over the years.

There are also your own insecurities and self-doubt that you have to come to terms with.

It’s not easy because it puts you in a vulnerable position.

You can get hurt.

When you start getting rid of other people’s dead weight you’ve been carrying, you get down to your own.

Some of the things you see, you may not like. For me, I get mad at myself for elevating people simply for their potential instead of the person they are now. I get mad at myself for getting excited about things. I get mad at myself that I talk too much a lot of times, and I wonder often if I am a good friend or if people see my name pop up on their phones and send to voicemail. I wonder when people run into me at the grocery store if they’d rather they hadn’t.

These are the core cringe things, I guess. I know I have personality flaws. I think that’s a human thing. But I’m trying to be okay with who I am and trust that the right people like my quirks? It’s hard, when you are a very observant person, to not change yourself to fit who you are around. I have found myself doing that a few times, even if just to put the other person at ease. But we are really doing ourselves, as well as them, a disservice. They never get to know you, and you never get to know if they actually like you.

I’m trying to learn that it’s ok if I can see people’s potential, I just need to leave them to reach it instead of always pausing to hold the ladder for them indefinitely, when they never intend to use it. I’m trying to learn that it is okay if I get excited about things. It beats the alternative.

Back in 2019, I made a trip to have a photo shoot for myself. I was wildly uncomfortable, I WAY overpacked for it, and you know what? I am so glad I did it. I have those photos to look back on as proof of my growth.

After surviving these last four years, I decided it was time to head back for another shoot. This time, I haphazardly packed a few things, I had no jewelry, grabbed a few items from projects I’m working on, and just showed up. In fact, we started the shoot with whatever I arrived there in and even kept my paper coffee cup in my hand.

I was still uncomfortable, but that’s just because I am used to posing people and well, when I am on the other side of the camera, I can’t direct myself. Trust me, I need the help. But I decided it would just be whatever it would be and I’d try to have fun with it.

I needed a true headshot because of this book stuff. I am a photographer, and yet, my author bio photo is a selfie from when I’d rolled out of bed and ran to the beach to shoot the sunrise one morning. It was time.

I am a firm believer that we should have a “for no reason” shoot at least every other year. Mirrors lie to us every day, but cameras are magical. They can see all of the best things and give them to us to hold when we are 80 and wondering if we ever actually lived. This will now be a tradition for me. And maybe one day, I’ll just laugh, and cry, and leave the cringing for someone else. Baby steps.

Are you still hiding? Or have you started to take steps to falling back into yourself and looking around to see the people who are still wanting to be a part of your life? It’s magic when you can start to see them. It’s such a freeing feeling to realize people actually do like you, just for simply being you.

You can’t find happiness by holding your breath, hoping you’re not looking stupid.

Stay weird. It may turn out that it’s not weird at all.

~Alisha